Unlearning Survival Love: Reclaiming Your Self-Worth and Choosing Yourself

Unlearning Survival Love: Reclaiming Your Self-Worth and Choosing Yourself.

From chasing love to becoming love… A path of remembering your worth.

There’s a certain ache that comes from feeling like you’re doing everything right yet still questioning if you’re enough. Maybe you feel like you’re too much… or somehow, painfully, both at the same time….

Maybe there were times you looked the other way when you shouldn’t have. Times you didn’t ask questions about situations or about things they said or did… even though, deep down, something didn’t feel quite right. Maybe your boundaries were broken in ways that even the deepest parts of you still can’t fully understand.

Relationships like this can leave you searching endlessly for reassurance. Searching for confirmation that they love you. That what you experienced really was love.
That they cared.
That they loved you.
After all… they said they did… they at times showed they did… or at least you think that’s what it was… right?

When your sense of self worth has been kicked into the ground, it can be impossibly hard to remember what love is supposed to look and feel like, and it can leave you wondering:

Have I ever even known what love looks like?
What it feels like?
Is it how it looks in the movies?
Is it the couples laughing together in public... the touchy-feely ones where you think…

“God, that’s so cute” but another part of you also wonders… “Is that even real?”

How am I supposed to know what love is… and what I deserve… if I don't even know if I’ve ever had it? If I don’t know if I’ve ever even seen it? Especially now, sitting here reading this with little to no sense of self-worth, and little to no love for myself.

But I’m writing this to tell you… It’s not too late to want more. To unlearn that kind of love and believe that something gentler exists.

And that the deepest love you’ve ever seen… even the love that looks too good to be true… is real. Real for you.

Because You deserve love that feels safe. Love that makes you sigh in relief the moment you step into its presence.
Love that feels like… home.

But to believe it and accept it when it comes?

You need to love yourself first. To know deep in your bones that you are worthy of it and deserve every good thing you have ever wanted. You need to wholeheartedly and with every part of you believe that you deserve love that feels good. Because once you get to a place where you truly know your self-worth… something shifts. You start to believe with every part of you, that you’re worthy of the kind of love you once rolled your eyes at but secretly wondered about. Believe that raw, authentic love… the love that wants you - just as you are… is exactly what you deserve. Believe that the belly-laugh-until-it-hurts kind of connection isn't just for other people… it's for you, too. And when you believe it… you’ll know.

Becuase then when you find it... (It’s a weird analogy but just roll with me here)
It might feel a little like being one of those fainting baby goats. So overwhelmed by safety and joy that your body simply forgets how to defend itself. You just collapse into it.

No fear.
No fight.

Just full surrender to softness.

And in that… maybe you’ll even become the couple that strangers stop in public to compliment. Not because of anything flashy, but because your connection is that visible.

But first…

You have to sit with your wounds.
Hold the heartbreaks in your hands.
Look yourself in the eyes and ask:

Why do I believe this is what I deserve?

The truth is that no one else can convince you that you deserve more. That you’re worth more. The old saying of “you have to love yourself before you can love others”… it rings true.

You have to believe that you do in order to receive it. To accept it. To appreciate it. And you have to dig deep into those earlier attachments, look for the patterns. Heal them. Discover what within you- not the other person- but what within you… makes you accept the bare minimums and the poor excuses for “love” you’ve learned to accept along the way. Because if you are going to do any self-work for yourself.. the best work you may ever do for yourself is attachment work.
(And if we’ve ever sat together in session, you can probably hear my voice saying it even now...)

“Let’s get to know your attachments. Discover them. Understand them. See the patterns. Know that none of it… I mean none of it… is your fault.” And through this healing… you become a version of yourself who knows.

Knows what you want.
Knows what your worth.
Knows what you’ll never accept again.

And in doing that...
You stop begging for love.
You start believing you are love. Knowing you are love.

And in that...
You get to breathe again.
To laugh.
To want more. Not in a fantasy kind of way… but in a real, steady, deeply rooted way.

The kind where someone sees how much you do… and instead of continuing to just let you do it yourself… they match it. They acknowledge it.
They notice the invisible weight you’ve been carrying and offer to “hold it” without being asked.
Where they hold space… for you.

You’ll have a moment where you realize you never needed fireworks.
You just needed someone who makes you feel safe.
Who makes hard things feel easier.
Who makes silence feel peaceful… not punishing.

This isn’t about being chosen… It’s about choosing you. Maybe it’s new. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe they have a past… and so do you. But trust isn’t about guarantees. It’s about choosing to show up anyway. Messy. Guarded. Hopeful. Because just like someone couldn’t convince you of your self-worth.. or that you deserve real love… You can’t convince someone to stay. You can’t prove you’re lovable. You just are.

And this time, you know it.
With every fibre of you.
You are so f*cking lovable.

And they either see that… or they don’t. And after everything you’ve survived, you are no longer begging to be chosen.
You are choosing connection that feels like belonging, not obligation. And maybe it’s not perfect. Maybe it still scares you sometimes. But some risks are worth the fall. Some stories are worth the rebuild. And some people… just make you feel like home.

Maybe this is where the healing continues. Where you finally stop shrinking yourself to earn love. Where you let yourself be fully seen. Where someone says, “I’ve got you,” and you believe them. Maybe it’s someone loving the most chaotic, weird, soft parts of you, and you doing the same in return. Not in spite of your history… but because of how deeply you’ve learned to feel.

Because you’ve finally learned… You don’t beg for love anymore.

You are love… And maybe this time…

You just let yourself have it.