When Love Feels Like Survival- Healing The Wounds We Can’t See

When Love Feels Like Survival

Healing the Wounds We Can’t See

Have you ever loved someone so much it felt like your entire body was holding its breath; waiting for the moment they’d change their mind? Bargaining with yourself to keep them around?

Maybe you’ve spent your whole life convincing yourself you don’t need anyone. That if you just stay strong enough, independent enough, guarded enough… no one can ever hurt you.

Maybe you fall hard and fast- pouring everything into people who give you just enough to keep you hooked and interested- but never enough to feel secure.

Maybe you shut down and push people away… before they have the opportunity to do it first.

Maybe you’re stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage… testing love and setting unrealistic expectations. Just to see if they will finally abandon you the way you always feared. And then when it ultimately all falls apart, you ask yourself…

Why does this keep happening? What’s wrong with me?

Why can’t I just be normal in relationships?

The truth? Nothing is wrong with you. 

Seriously. Say it with me.. Nothing. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

Your heart, your fears, your reactions- these are patterns that were all learned. You didn’t just wake up one day afraid to be left. You didn’t just decide to shut down. Your development, nervous system, your very survival- it all once depended on these patterns. It kept you alive, searching for predictability. You learned how to be prepared and be on alert for any similar, instincting situation.

That’s attachment.

The undercurrent that pulls at every relationship we have. The reason some people feel like home and others make us feel like we are drowning. It’s the way we handle closeness and conflict. It’s the way we choose people and the way we lose them.

The Survival Instincts that Keep us… Stuck

Love for a developing child is not just love. It’s survival.

When we are small, we rely on the caregivers around us to meet our every need. To hold us and to soothe us. To remind us, but also demonstrate and show us we are safe. To meet our basic needs, not only show us love, but teach us how to receive that love. And when these needs are not met… when love is inconsistent, painful, or conditional... our development is impacted and the nervous system adapts.

If love felt unpredictable as a child- maybe now, you’ve learned to cling. Maybe you’ve become hyper-aware of shifts in other peoples energy- Learning and adapting to scan for rejection, anger, safety- before anything even happened. Maybe you read between the lines of every silence. Every “we need to talk,” every unread text or delayed response. Maybe you became wired to hold on tighter because a love that disappears… is a threat to survival.

If love felt like a transaction- maybe you learned to perform. Maybe you became the ‘good’ child, the quiet child... a pleaser. Maybe you learned that love wasn’t something you deserved by existing. It was something you earned by being useful, agreeable… and small.

If love felt dangerous- maybe you learned to run, building walls along the way. Maybe you told yourself you didn’t need anyone and tried to convince yourself to keep those feelings down- they’re not safe. Maybe you learned that the only way to stay safe was to never let anyone close enough to hurt you.

And because our nervous system isn’t logical.. It's primal. These patterns don’t just disappear on their own when we “grow up”. They follow us into every relationship. Into the way we react, the way we trust. The way we feel that somehow- even though we know logically something isn’t right, or maybe something feels “off”- this is what we deserve.

It has to be right? It’s what’s familiar.

When Love Feels Like Begging, Fear, or a Test You Have to Pass

If you were raised to believe love could be taken away; then even now, as an adult, it may still feel like something you have to earn.

You might over explain, over apologize, or over give. Trying to prove, over and over, either to someone else (or maybe to yourself), that you are worth staying for.

You might mistake inconsistency for chemistry.. Because truthfully… love that feels easy and steady- just doesn’t quite light up your nervous system quite the same way that survival mode love does.

You might push people away just to see if they’ll fight for you.

If this resonates with you… let me say this loud and clear:

Love is not something you should have to beg for.
Love should not make you afraid.
Love should not feel like walking on eggshells or waiting for the moment you’re “too much” and they leave.

Love should feel like safety.
Love should feel like consistency.
Love should feel like being chosen… even when you’re not perfect.

If you’ve never had that kind of love before- I invite you to sit with this next:

That kind of love exists. And it exists for you. But if you’ve never experienced it, you have to learn how to receive it.

How to Notice Your Patterns and Create Safety for Yourself

The first step to healing attachment wounds is noticing them.

Notice when your heart races before an argument even starts.
Notice when your mind jumps to worst-case scenarios.
Notice when you’re reaching for reassurance from others like oxygen.
Notice when you feel the urge to run, to shut down, to push love away.

Then ask yourself…

Is this how I actually feel… or is this my past showing up?

And then, instead of reacting.. Breathe.

When your body goes into survival mode, when anxiety takes over, when you feel the urge to pull away or cling tighter…. pause. 

Put your hand on your chest and remind yourself: 

I am safe. This is not the past.

If you’ve spent your life chasing love that feels just out of reach…

Imagine what it would look like to give that love… to yourself? 

What if you spoke to yourself with the kindness you’ve always craved from others?

What if you created this safety, this trust… within yourself?

What if you chose the love that feels secure? The steady, grounded love. The love that feels like home.

Not the love that makes you question your worth. Not the love that only exists when you are pleasing them, easy, agreeable, or convenient.

What if… you chose the love… that you deserve?

You are not broken.
You are not unlovable.
You are not too much.

Your body has spent years protecting you the only way it knew how.
But you are safe now.
You don’t have to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You don’t have to keep fighting to be chosen.

You are worthy of love that stays.
You are worthy of love that doesn’t make you beg.
You are worthy of love that feels like home.

And, if no one has ever told you that before.. let me be the first.

Deep breath. Hand on your heart… Repeat after me: 

I am safe. 

I am not broken. 

I am not unlovable. 

I am not too much. 

I am worthy of love that stays. 

I am worthy of love that doesn’t make me beg. 

I am worthy of love, that feels like home.

I don’t need to fight to be chosen.

Because today… I’m choosing myself.